Beautifully Broken

happy new year!!! welcome 2020. the year for clearer vision, to strive for betterness. this year i’m aiming to Choose Joy. 

Joy in sorrow. Joy thru my brokenness. Joy in Lupus. 

last year i confided in a sweet friend of mine my struggle with depression. it’s real. strong. dark. she listened. cried with me and thoughtfully gifted me a book by Ann Voskamp called “be the gift”. how to let your brokenness be turned into abundance. i read it cover to cover and loved it. so this year i’m rereading, i randomly open it and think on the thoughts for the day. 

today’s was “the Joy of the Lord happens inside the sorrow”. 

i’m broken. (you’re broken) we do not need to pretend we aren’t. 

there will be Joy in our brokenness. our sorrow. 

(john 16.20, ps. 30.5, 11-12, jer. 31:13)

when i express my sorrow, my brokenness, Jesus transforms my pain into His peace. the promise of that is what keeps me turning around, sanding and reforming myself, remaking me Real. 

i’m Beautifully Broken, that is where God does His best work! 

Broken & Beautiful
https://g.co/kgs/rXMy8x

i love this song by Kelly Clarkson. 💜

embrace your brokenness. choose Joy!! 

grinch+grumpy cat here

it’s that time of year. everyone decorates, shops, and seems jollier than any other time of year. why?? it’s exhausting to decorate. first you have to dust everything, add christmas clutter, and when the seasons is over, take it down and dust some more. when you have a chronic illness your holiday spirit is delayed. it may show up christmas eve, but doesn’t stay long. i’m trying. yesterday i hung a wreath on my door, and unboxed the christmas tree. fighting 7’ of lights and hanging some ornaments, we have a tree!! My parents have always given my sons a christmas ornament each year representing their alikes and personalities. it’s fun to pull one from the unruly box and remember back when they were so little. i’m thankful it’s still a magical season for them. ok Santa, ring the bells, i wanna hear too.  

Excuse the venting---its getting stuffy in here! 💜

Once  again. Another tossing & turning sleepless night-- that I'll pay for tomorrow. The past couple of weeks I have battled insomnia on top of everything else. My body feels exhausted. Almost to a shutting down mode. It aches with chronic pain, and seriously wants to be asleep. 

 But I'm awake. 

Five weeks ago I had returned to my dr seriously thinking my cursed ear infections had returned. He sat on his little stool and looked at me and shook his head. My ears were fine??! How could that be?! My ears & neck just throbbed. Dr said I was suffering from Chronic Depression. Which is normal under my circumstances, but I needed help. He said my body was trying to go into a shutdown mode of just wanting to give up. Reluctantly I agreed to go back on an antidepressant. Before I was on an injection form, they'd administer when I went in for infusion treatments. But when those ended I appeared to be doing fine 

The first two weeks on my new "happy" pill I felt in a fog. Really didn't care if I did anything during the day. The one week I spent 90% of it lying in bed. Sleeping off and on, but seriously just lying there. Then magically one day I got up and besides typical lupus crap-- I felt the fog had lifted.  Even my boys & hubby mentioned the positive change. 

Two weeks after that? My zombie state returned. So many times I really didn't want to answer my phone, or reply to a text....or go anywhere to see anyone. So I made a followup appt and went back in.

Apparently the saratonin drug had done it's job to its extent and now I needed other forms of help. So my dr changed my antidepressant, again. 

With increased chemo drugs, prednisone, and all the other junk I take I added a newbie. Two days in. I have this weird "heavy" feeling. I feel irritable. Agitated. Fussy. My stomach has a constant aching to it and I have a UTI. 

How is this helping?! Pharmacist and Dr asked me to be patient. But I am running low. Is there a pill for that??! 😕

This is my new favorite picture. I love the quote!!! It's so true. So many are quick to judge and not think about what I really go thru. 

For example, I get so tired of all the cancer hype. Yes cancer is serious. Yes there isn't a cure. It's a terrible disease. But in many cases, research shows that if caught early enough, surgery and chemo fight it. There are so many cancer free survivors! That's awesome. 💗

Lupus. People die from lupus everyday. I've read four articles in the past month where lupies died from this awful disorder. Young & old. There isn't a cure for lupus. There isn't a surgery to help remove it. I will take chemo meds and the evil prednisone-- the rest of my life. It makes me sad and lonely feeling when everyone's quick to "walk" for a cure or wear Pink! Lupus needs that attention too. Lupus is a terrible autoimmune disorder. I am chronically sick. There's hope for remission, but it seriously can take years to get there. Years. In the meantime I vent alittle. Take my mouthful of pils several times a day. Battle depression. Hair loss. Weight gain. Chronic pain & swelling. With every breath my chest feels so heavy, thanks to my Lupie lungs. And I am haunted by ulcers returning and needing hospital attention,  the rash, hoping it's nothing new, and insomnia. 

“you were gone?”....... “welcome back “

well hello friend. it’s been a while, i know. i started this years ago after my diagnosis of Lupus... my dr suggested it to be an outlet of sharing, educating, venting a little lol.  and i’ve kinda let it go. it wasn’t really time consuming, and i can usually find something to rattle on about....it was that i was frustrated with how things were. my health, mom stress, wifey stress, finances...the list could go on.

since i’ve shared last, things have been a roller coaster. for a while i was just cruising along the track enjoying the view. my sons were good, my hubby was good, i felt “eh”, but that’s life. sometimes it takes one small stone to land on the track and cause derailment.

let me catch you up. first, i dug this blog outta archives by the encouragement of my therapist. i go each week, almost faithfully, to get support, and some guidance. he’s helping me find Me. what do i enjoy doing? what is my purpose?? when he first asked me this, i had no idea. i still really don’t. i’ve allowed my mental health and my lupus invade every aspect of Me. now it won’t be confined, it’s like pesky ants that take over the kitchen.  he told me i have a form of PTSD, grieving and missing my old self. i show signs of deep clinical depression, and anxiety. i’m hard on myself with guilt, and weight...apparently i have beat the odds of not giving into a substance addiction, or eating disorder. i got that going for me 🙄😏

this will be my safe place for me to speak freely, whether it’s venting, crying, sharing joy, or just a meme. i need this. i owe it to me, and my family to try and get this under control. and with therapy, Happy pills, and God.....i think i can.

last year my family went thru some trials i pray others donot have to endure. our son was spiraling down a scary path and could not stop on his own. one of the hardest decisions to make as a mom is to commit your son to rehab....he was gone almost 8 months, we are drowning in debt....was it worth it?  every tear and penny. he’s been home for 9 months and is doing AWESOME. i’m so proud of him. with that came my youngest became emotional, missing school a lot, he developed anxiety. my other son became angry to see what we were going thru. slowly things went from the dark towards the light.

it’s amazing to me that for weeks....months....i pleaded and prayed for things to get better. i wanted it now. an easier way. Gods timing is always Best. He had control of the situation, and when i finally “gave it to Him” miraculous things took shape. God loved him more than my husband and I ever could. He loved our family deeply, and even while i questioned Him, grew angry with Him, He never left. it’s such a relief and confidence to know while i’m derailed, Gods slowly putting me back on track helping to prepare me for an even bigger boulder.

Have yourself a Merry little Christmas!

Its the most wonderful time of the year!

Three more days of school for my sons & then they will be home for three weeks! I'm so looking forward to that, vacation, and all that will bring. I love them being home. (Of course I appreciate them being gone from time to time too). 

There's finally lights on our house, a fresh smelling, beautiful tree in the corner of our living room, and maybe three packages below it. My favorite is my mantel in the dining room glowing with white lights and gold & silver snowmen!

This time of year always makes me sad to think of those less fortunate. Those who haven't family. Those seperated from their loved ones, either by passing away or having gone thru an unwanted divorce. Or our men and women overseas!!  

This year my heart is heavy for a friend of mine celebrating the holidays as a divorcee. She's been thru so much this past year. Her children have had to face the unimaginable and learn to live in a split household. Decisions and new choices have been made that will effect them all, from here forward. But as I tell her, I have hope! Faith!! I truly believe God doesn't hand us more than we can hold! It seems heavy at times, and makes  us sluggish, question, angry, and sad...but we can face it. We are never alone!!! And she isn't!! She is my longest "in contact" friend, we met in Lamaze almost 15 years ago! Love her like a sister, and pray for her daily!

Where are you Christmas?!

With my rambling coming to an end for tonight- I pray everyone has a very Merry Christmas holiday...no matter with who or where you spend it! Remember it doesn't have to have boxes and ribbons or tags....Christmas perhaps is alittle bit more!! Things that cannot be bought at a store!! 

Cotton & tears....

Today is my favorite kind of day. It's gloomy & grey. Raining off and on. Cold. You can smell Winter trying to peek in acouple weeks early. 

On days like this I love to bake. Muster up a sewing project so I can sit & enjoy the dark dining room. But today I'm enjoying it from my bed. I cracked the blinds just enough to enjoy the clouds, closed enough to keep out light. My husband made me promise this morning that I'd rest. I'd do nothing. Besides driving kiddos to school, and putting a favorite roast recipe in the slow cooker, I've done nothing.

The company of an old dog and my comfort with Mr Darcy & Elizabeth Bennett, my morning has been calm. Quiet. Time to think.

I've pinterested christmas wrapping ideas. Patterns for upcoming ideas I have . I've caught up on my bible study that got lost with vaca last week, and my being sick. 

I've been sick since Halloween. Chronic ear infections that my poor tired Lupey body can't seem to fight off. The antibiotics given to me yesterday made me a loopy sobbing mess last night. I'm reminded that I've taken it before back in April, under hospital care lol. Crying doesn't help ear pain. It didn't helpe sleep. I haven't had much in the last 4 days---that could possibly be aiding the tears too. So today I rest. Cotton in ears, Icey Hot on neck, pills taken. 

Count your Blessings

This time of year always makes us think of what we are thankful for. We count our blessings, feel the urge to share what we have with others. Shouldn't we be doing that all thru the year?!

My family has been blessed with a nice home. It's not a fancy house, full of nice things- it's a comfortable home full of love. I enjoy sharing it with others. Opening it up to small groups & bible studies. Having dinner with family & friends.  when we moved I remember thanking God for blessing us with a home and nice yard to serve Him. Four years later, do I still have that mindset? 

With Christmas around the corner, ads and commercials and wish lists are thrown into our faces from every angle. I believe it's a sin to buy things just to buy them. Why buy gifts when you really don't "need" anything? What can you possibly buy that you "need"? My sons rooms are full of things. Closets full of clothes, shelves full of books. Seriously they need nothing. My husband and I encourage them every year that they think of those less fortunate. Those who really do need something, whether it be socks, a jacket or a book. We buy and donate to Local organizations. Donate gently used coats to the "jacket drive" at school, and give canned food to their classroom collections. 

Growing up my family always shared the holiday with those who may not have local family or anyone to celebrate with. We shared our thanksgiving day traditions with them. And Christmas Eve mom & dad have a game night with food and goodies to share with friends. Something we look forward to every year. Even my boys look forward to sharing their holidays and always ask " who's joining us?" They even submit names of families they know who need a place to go.

As the holiday season comes upon us I pray everyone thinks of ways to give back. Ways to share their blessings. 

Be creative! Pray about it! And make it happen!