A new way of thinking

It was brought to my attention this past week by friends and family, that I should use my blog as an outlet for sharing my lupus adventure. So many friends try to understand and have empathy for me. Where I really don't think people get it lol. As a matter of fact I know they don't, because I don't get it half the time.

This illness has changed my life. Affected my sons lives, all I can do is pray things calm and go into remission. So many times I cry "it isn't fair" then I come across someone who just got diagnosed and think maybe this is why I have this. At treatment last week, a woman in her 50's was there receiving an infusion too. She sobs everytime, most of the time we are there. Yes it's scary. And depressing. Getting poked and prodded every week, twice a week isn't a glamorous event. Anyways, I finally asked her if crying helped. I cried the first couple of times, realized it gave me a headache and sucked it up. Lol. She paused and just stared at me. I introduced myself, and told her my pitiful lupus story. She says "wow you're really sick and your not sad. I watch you every time and you come in pulled together, smile on, and do your thing". She shared her story. Yeah, she's not near as bad as I am, her dr is just pushing stronger treatments sooner than mine did. Mine tried alternate methods first.
She asked how I stayed positive all the time. I told her I take two amazing antidepressants, lol, but I have Faith I will get thru this. I have too. And I have an amazing support group behind me. Sooo many friends that message me daily and tell me they're praying for me. Thinking of me. Can't express how awesome that feels. She had no one. I told her I was praying for her, and every other person there. She cried and thanked me. And said she wanted to pray for us sickos too.
So....no matter how bad a situation feels and appears, perhaps God places us in these situations for a purpose.

I have decided also this past week, that yea I'm sick and limited on activities, but I'm tire of lupus imprisoning me to my sofa or bed....with that said, I applied to attend Fresno City College hopefully, Lord willing, to begin over the summer. Something to do, to boost some self esteem. Give me a purpose. I'm looking forward to a new challenge. My treatments should hopefully end in April and I'm praying there's an improvement so I can pursue new things.

My ramblings are complete for this evening. If you've read this far, that's fabulous!!! Lol. Have a great Monday and new week!

Its been awhile......

Happy New Year!!!
Welcome to a fresher start...a new beginning. Time for change, for growing, for making Someday...today.

It's been awhile. I took time off to try and focus on what was going on in my life. My lupus has been giving me a kick in the butt, well lungs.....Lol, but I'm under close watch from Dr's.  My life is medicine and weekly treatments.... I have to listen and pray they work. I've been told a lung transplant would be in my future otherwise. And that doesn't sound like fun.

As a new year begins we always hear talk of "resolutions". I have never made one. I believe we should be striving to be better all year....not just in January. ;)
However....this year, I have thought about a small list of changes to make.....I like to call it "treatment plan for 2013"......

1.perfection.  now I know no ones perfect. But we are to strive to imitate God, and He is perfect. I want a better attitude when it comes to serving, volunteering, cleaning...working. I will strive for perfection.

2.With that comes.....I want to give 110% at being a Proverbs 31 gal. It's easy to say "I've tried, nothing changes. I already did this and that....why should I do more?" If something doesn't succeed,  I don't want it to be because I didn't give my all. I didn't try my very best.

3.Lupus kills. Yes. It's true. Dr told me so. But it's not winning me....I'm going to do better at listening...taking meds....not complaining.....and focus on positive. I've been battling depression since September, I would Love to drop the antidepressant. 

That's my year....Lol. nothing major. No big diet scheme......I just wanna live life happy, to it's fullest.

Have a fabulous start to your new year....strive to be the best you can!!

play hookie sometimes

So today I kinda played "hookie". My middle son wasnt feeling well, however appears to be fine now, but none the less he needed me to stay home with him. So I called into work. I never call into work. Its kinda odd that I did LOL. I have enjoyed being home getting things cleaned up again. The past 6 weeks I have been sickly, mentally sick...."i dont care mood". My house shows for it. I am a neat, organized person usually. Its funny how we let things go when we are down. Now that I have some good days, I am noticing how dusty mini blinds are. How the floor hasnt been swept or vacuumed to my satisfaction. Ive noticed the fridge is sticky. Today its driving me insane. So I did something about it. I dusted the blinds, and living room. And cleaned off our neglected dining room table. We havent sat and eaten as a family in 5 weeks....that makes me sad.

Despite being "down", our schedule hasnt died at all. We are super busy people, and as much as i like to sleep, there are days i need more hours to just get things done. Mondays are actually one of our least busy days....but tuesday-thursdays we dont really get home to sit until 7:30-8pm. I am so thankful cross country ends in 3 weeks... i know its good for the boys. burns energy. teaches them perseverence. but at the same time being idle  sometimes can be a good thing. Soccer is also in full swing, and that ends in 5 more weeks. Its crazy to think we do these crazy things to ourselves. By not saying no to anything. Giving into extra activites. I struggle with saying no, because i dont want to dissappoint anyone. My oldest son amazed me yesterday when he said he had not signed up for any clubs at school. He is already too busy. WOW. he does not get that from his father or i. If only i had that attitude sometimes.

Too often I think of how even Jesus took time for himself. God had a day of rest too. So playing "hookie" aka rest, is a good thing, a biblical thing.The rest of this week will not be as slow for me, so I needed todays rest to make it! Remember its ok to be down and idle sometimes, you can have a different kind of "productivity". Encouraging others via FB or email....is a great way! We should do these days more often. As I enjoy the rest of my off day, enjoy your tuesday!

Simple everyday blessings.

Lately I have been learning to surround myself with positive things. Happiness. Anything good. I've learned that I've been taking simple things for granted. Things I'd give anything to get back right now. Simple everyday things. Like.....taking a pain free deep breath. Swallowing with out choking on everything swollen. Sides that don't ache like I ran a Marathon..... And to end gloom and lonliness. There are days my chaotic world feels empty. I don't like to be the center of attention, but I hate feeling invisible. with 400+ Facebook friends.....and I feel sometimes I have no one....somedays you just need a hug....and a good mug of coffee.                              Since I've become sicker.....I have learn to notice the little things in life. Appreciate everyday adventures. Thank God for just living everyday. Which is hard to do with "a cloud of gloom". Aside from my family. I love my friends. You know who you are. Your texts, msgs, thoughtful cards, posts, and yummy meals. Means the world you take the time for me and my family. I love the upcoming season. Autumn. Nature is getting ready to transform into gorgeous warm colors. Leaves will start floating down, temps will begin to cool. I love cool brisk mornings. Blanket cuddling evenings. I Absolutely love love love the rain and fog. Can't wait.                           Praying this week is full of simple, favorite things. Remember to appreciate everyone who comes into your life, keep the close encouraging friends......even closer than they've been. God sends them to us :-)

It was good!

Since my last post, I took a much needed, much deserved vacation with my family. My husband and I enjoy taking our boys camping. The boys love it. Love the freedom of wide open spaces to run, and imagine and create games. We had made one rule on this weekend trip, that there would be NO schedules. No Timelines. No hurrying. I needed the rest and relaxation, and my hubby who is often over worked deserved a weekend with no cell phone coverage or laptop :)

We escaped to a special place. A place I have grown up going to with family and church family. I have fond memories of many families camping for Memorial Day weekend, Labor Day weekend. Or our family enjoying a July campout there. We headed up the mountain towards Hume Lake. If youve never been to the Kings Canyon/Sequoia National forest, you must treat yourself to a weekend trip. The lake isnt very big.  But is extremely peaceful. No motorized boats are allowed on the lake. So you hear children laughing. Families and friends enjoying a picnic or volleyball game. Canoes paddling around. I love it!

On this trip we had decided also to find three things we had never seen or done before. I couldnt do any major hiking, thanks to my inflamed lungs, but I could do a casual stroll of a hike. Saturday we went in search of Big Stump....made a wrong turn on the trail and made our way to the Shattered Giant redwood tree. An enormous, fallen tree in the meadow. It was pretty cool to see and walk across. Next we went to find Chicago Stump. This stump was hidden way deep in the bear country part of the forest, About 10 minute trail to see the massive beast. It was recorded being 3200 years old. Such a moment of silence to see something that old in our presence.
And lastly we went up the trail to Panoramic view, 7500 ft up and experienced the scene like birds. The lake was incredible from that difference. It was such a fun and relaxing, laidback weekend. Really need to plan more of these!!

I am speechless and in awe everytime we go to the mountains or the coast. The creativeness and handiwork or God really shines thru up there. Blows me away to think of all the detail He thought up and put into everything.

"...and He saw that it was Good. And it was!"

Praying everyone has a splendid September beginning....Autumn is on its way!

Its the little things.....

First official week back in normal routine....I'm tired but learning to tolerate things :-) besides the job of mom to my three boys and helping my hubby with our church's children's group God Squad.....I also clean for my gramma on Mondays. It's a fast 45 minute clean unless she needs sheets washed....and I get Starbucks money for the week :-) not a bad deal in my book lol. And then I work super part time at my youngest sons school as a noon aid. Not a glamorous well paying job....but it gets me out....and I see the difference I make in these students day.                                                              Last year a 5th grader, Timothy, was Seriously in trouble everyday. Sent home at least once a week for fighting.  We had a chat and from December thru June he improved dramatically. The principal, told me "I don't know what you said....but Wow....he's improved". This year he's back, and it's only been a week, but he's doing well. His mom has thanked me for the influence in their family.                                                       Then there's sweet 2nd grader Sara. She told me about her home life last year. Her parents fight in the parking lot about who is taking her for the weekend. She gets left home alone all the time while her mom parties. Her dad's girlfriends mom watches her alot too. She is always so sad and depressed. Yesterday she started this rumor I was adopting her. Makes me sad to think she doesn't care if she sees her parents again or not: ( so everyday I'm greeted by a hug from her and a smile.                                        There's so many kids with lives like that. So many with no hope for their future because They're told they can't. It's students like them that make me get up and literally drag myself to work. Someday kicking and stomping because it's hot, even hotter on the blacktop. Or I really don't feel good, but I remember How they will look for me as soon as They're dismissed..... It's the little things that make a huge difference.      Praying you all have a fabulous week and even better holiday weekend.

Pity party??? Quite possibly.

I haven't posted for the last week or so, not because I had nothing interesting to share. I had fear it would turn more into a pity party. This past weeks been depressing. I have had some good news healthwise... However I believe the bad still out weighed. Today's post is more to clear my own head....not necessarily a fun read. This morning I have been emotionally a mess. Feel irritable. Frustrated.  I owe several apologies for being confrontational....being cranky.etc. my Dr is detoxing me from 22 pills...I am suffering from withdraws. Am unable to sleep or pull it together. My chest is tight....and my head is pounding. That should be no excuse. There's no reason to be cruel, or rude or fussy. I dislike this feeling. I dislike all this relaxing I have done. I slept till 10am and took a nap at 11:40. If only i could sleep at night. It's ridiculous. Lol.                                            On another note... .I have been resting with my boys. Todays  Marathon consists of Star Wars. :-) I'm not a huge fan, but it satisfies them and keeps them still. The advice from Yoda is wise.....and silly.  I have learned alot from the little green dude.                Praying as tomorrow begins a new week, that it is full of change. Positiveness. I really need that right now :-) Looking forward to a day of worship with family and friends. We have so many that are moving on and leaving our church family....as sad as I want to be in their decisions....I'm happy God is relocating them all to be closer to family.