“you were gone?”....... “welcome back “

well hello friend. it’s been a while, i know. i started this years ago after my diagnosis of Lupus... my dr suggested it to be an outlet of sharing, educating, venting a little lol.  and i’ve kinda let it go. it wasn’t really time consuming, and i can usually find something to rattle on about....it was that i was frustrated with how things were. my health, mom stress, wifey stress, finances...the list could go on.

since i’ve shared last, things have been a roller coaster. for a while i was just cruising along the track enjoying the view. my sons were good, my hubby was good, i felt “eh”, but that’s life. sometimes it takes one small stone to land on the track and cause derailment.

let me catch you up. first, i dug this blog outta archives by the encouragement of my therapist. i go each week, almost faithfully, to get support, and some guidance. he’s helping me find Me. what do i enjoy doing? what is my purpose?? when he first asked me this, i had no idea. i still really don’t. i’ve allowed my mental health and my lupus invade every aspect of Me. now it won’t be confined, it’s like pesky ants that take over the kitchen.  he told me i have a form of PTSD, grieving and missing my old self. i show signs of deep clinical depression, and anxiety. i’m hard on myself with guilt, and weight...apparently i have beat the odds of not giving into a substance addiction, or eating disorder. i got that going for me 🙄😏

this will be my safe place for me to speak freely, whether it’s venting, crying, sharing joy, or just a meme. i need this. i owe it to me, and my family to try and get this under control. and with therapy, Happy pills, and God.....i think i can.

last year my family went thru some trials i pray others donot have to endure. our son was spiraling down a scary path and could not stop on his own. one of the hardest decisions to make as a mom is to commit your son to rehab....he was gone almost 8 months, we are drowning in debt....was it worth it?  every tear and penny. he’s been home for 9 months and is doing AWESOME. i’m so proud of him. with that came my youngest became emotional, missing school a lot, he developed anxiety. my other son became angry to see what we were going thru. slowly things went from the dark towards the light.

it’s amazing to me that for weeks....months....i pleaded and prayed for things to get better. i wanted it now. an easier way. Gods timing is always Best. He had control of the situation, and when i finally “gave it to Him” miraculous things took shape. God loved him more than my husband and I ever could. He loved our family deeply, and even while i questioned Him, grew angry with Him, He never left. it’s such a relief and confidence to know while i’m derailed, Gods slowly putting me back on track helping to prepare me for an even bigger boulder.