grinch+grumpy cat here

it’s that time of year. everyone decorates, shops, and seems jollier than any other time of year. why?? it’s exhausting to decorate. first you have to dust everything, add christmas clutter, and when the seasons is over, take it down and dust some more. when you have a chronic illness your holiday spirit is delayed. it may show up christmas eve, but doesn’t stay long. i’m trying. yesterday i hung a wreath on my door, and unboxed the christmas tree. fighting 7’ of lights and hanging some ornaments, we have a tree!! My parents have always given my sons a christmas ornament each year representing their alikes and personalities. it’s fun to pull one from the unruly box and remember back when they were so little. i’m thankful it’s still a magical season for them. ok Santa, ring the bells, i wanna hear too.  

Excuse the venting---its getting stuffy in here! 💜

Once  again. Another tossing & turning sleepless night-- that I'll pay for tomorrow. The past couple of weeks I have battled insomnia on top of everything else. My body feels exhausted. Almost to a shutting down mode. It aches with chronic pain, and seriously wants to be asleep. 

 But I'm awake. 

Five weeks ago I had returned to my dr seriously thinking my cursed ear infections had returned. He sat on his little stool and looked at me and shook his head. My ears were fine??! How could that be?! My ears & neck just throbbed. Dr said I was suffering from Chronic Depression. Which is normal under my circumstances, but I needed help. He said my body was trying to go into a shutdown mode of just wanting to give up. Reluctantly I agreed to go back on an antidepressant. Before I was on an injection form, they'd administer when I went in for infusion treatments. But when those ended I appeared to be doing fine 

The first two weeks on my new "happy" pill I felt in a fog. Really didn't care if I did anything during the day. The one week I spent 90% of it lying in bed. Sleeping off and on, but seriously just lying there. Then magically one day I got up and besides typical lupus crap-- I felt the fog had lifted.  Even my boys & hubby mentioned the positive change. 

Two weeks after that? My zombie state returned. So many times I really didn't want to answer my phone, or reply to a text....or go anywhere to see anyone. So I made a followup appt and went back in.

Apparently the saratonin drug had done it's job to its extent and now I needed other forms of help. So my dr changed my antidepressant, again. 

With increased chemo drugs, prednisone, and all the other junk I take I added a newbie. Two days in. I have this weird "heavy" feeling. I feel irritable. Agitated. Fussy. My stomach has a constant aching to it and I have a UTI. 

How is this helping?! Pharmacist and Dr asked me to be patient. But I am running low. Is there a pill for that??! 😕

This is my new favorite picture. I love the quote!!! It's so true. So many are quick to judge and not think about what I really go thru. 

For example, I get so tired of all the cancer hype. Yes cancer is serious. Yes there isn't a cure. It's a terrible disease. But in many cases, research shows that if caught early enough, surgery and chemo fight it. There are so many cancer free survivors! That's awesome. 💗

Lupus. People die from lupus everyday. I've read four articles in the past month where lupies died from this awful disorder. Young & old. There isn't a cure for lupus. There isn't a surgery to help remove it. I will take chemo meds and the evil prednisone-- the rest of my life. It makes me sad and lonely feeling when everyone's quick to "walk" for a cure or wear Pink! Lupus needs that attention too. Lupus is a terrible autoimmune disorder. I am chronically sick. There's hope for remission, but it seriously can take years to get there. Years. In the meantime I vent alittle. Take my mouthful of pils several times a day. Battle depression. Hair loss. Weight gain. Chronic pain & swelling. With every breath my chest feels so heavy, thanks to my Lupie lungs. And I am haunted by ulcers returning and needing hospital attention,  the rash, hoping it's nothing new, and insomnia. 

“you were gone?”....... “welcome back “

well hello friend. it’s been a while, i know. i started this years ago after my diagnosis of Lupus... my dr suggested it to be an outlet of sharing, educating, venting a little lol.  and i’ve kinda let it go. it wasn’t really time consuming, and i can usually find something to rattle on about....it was that i was frustrated with how things were. my health, mom stress, wifey stress, finances...the list could go on.

since i’ve shared last, things have been a roller coaster. for a while i was just cruising along the track enjoying the view. my sons were good, my hubby was good, i felt “eh”, but that’s life. sometimes it takes one small stone to land on the track and cause derailment.

let me catch you up. first, i dug this blog outta archives by the encouragement of my therapist. i go each week, almost faithfully, to get support, and some guidance. he’s helping me find Me. what do i enjoy doing? what is my purpose?? when he first asked me this, i had no idea. i still really don’t. i’ve allowed my mental health and my lupus invade every aspect of Me. now it won’t be confined, it’s like pesky ants that take over the kitchen.  he told me i have a form of PTSD, grieving and missing my old self. i show signs of deep clinical depression, and anxiety. i’m hard on myself with guilt, and weight...apparently i have beat the odds of not giving into a substance addiction, or eating disorder. i got that going for me 🙄😏

this will be my safe place for me to speak freely, whether it’s venting, crying, sharing joy, or just a meme. i need this. i owe it to me, and my family to try and get this under control. and with therapy, Happy pills, and God.....i think i can.

last year my family went thru some trials i pray others donot have to endure. our son was spiraling down a scary path and could not stop on his own. one of the hardest decisions to make as a mom is to commit your son to rehab....he was gone almost 8 months, we are drowning in debt....was it worth it?  every tear and penny. he’s been home for 9 months and is doing AWESOME. i’m so proud of him. with that came my youngest became emotional, missing school a lot, he developed anxiety. my other son became angry to see what we were going thru. slowly things went from the dark towards the light.

it’s amazing to me that for weeks....months....i pleaded and prayed for things to get better. i wanted it now. an easier way. Gods timing is always Best. He had control of the situation, and when i finally “gave it to Him” miraculous things took shape. God loved him more than my husband and I ever could. He loved our family deeply, and even while i questioned Him, grew angry with Him, He never left. it’s such a relief and confidence to know while i’m derailed, Gods slowly putting me back on track helping to prepare me for an even bigger boulder.