Its the little things.....

First official week back in normal routine....I'm tired but learning to tolerate things :-) besides the job of mom to my three boys and helping my hubby with our church's children's group God Squad.....I also clean for my gramma on Mondays. It's a fast 45 minute clean unless she needs sheets washed....and I get Starbucks money for the week :-) not a bad deal in my book lol. And then I work super part time at my youngest sons school as a noon aid. Not a glamorous well paying job....but it gets me out....and I see the difference I make in these students day.                                                              Last year a 5th grader, Timothy, was Seriously in trouble everyday. Sent home at least once a week for fighting.  We had a chat and from December thru June he improved dramatically. The principal, told me "I don't know what you said....but Wow....he's improved". This year he's back, and it's only been a week, but he's doing well. His mom has thanked me for the influence in their family.                                                       Then there's sweet 2nd grader Sara. She told me about her home life last year. Her parents fight in the parking lot about who is taking her for the weekend. She gets left home alone all the time while her mom parties. Her dad's girlfriends mom watches her alot too. She is always so sad and depressed. Yesterday she started this rumor I was adopting her. Makes me sad to think she doesn't care if she sees her parents again or not: ( so everyday I'm greeted by a hug from her and a smile.                                        There's so many kids with lives like that. So many with no hope for their future because They're told they can't. It's students like them that make me get up and literally drag myself to work. Someday kicking and stomping because it's hot, even hotter on the blacktop. Or I really don't feel good, but I remember How they will look for me as soon as They're dismissed..... It's the little things that make a huge difference.      Praying you all have a fabulous week and even better holiday weekend.

Pity party??? Quite possibly.

I haven't posted for the last week or so, not because I had nothing interesting to share. I had fear it would turn more into a pity party. This past weeks been depressing. I have had some good news healthwise... However I believe the bad still out weighed. Today's post is more to clear my own head....not necessarily a fun read. This morning I have been emotionally a mess. Feel irritable. Frustrated.  I owe several apologies for being confrontational....being cranky.etc. my Dr is detoxing me from 22 pills...I am suffering from withdraws. Am unable to sleep or pull it together. My chest is tight....and my head is pounding. That should be no excuse. There's no reason to be cruel, or rude or fussy. I dislike this feeling. I dislike all this relaxing I have done. I slept till 10am and took a nap at 11:40. If only i could sleep at night. It's ridiculous. Lol.                                            On another note... .I have been resting with my boys. Todays  Marathon consists of Star Wars. :-) I'm not a huge fan, but it satisfies them and keeps them still. The advice from Yoda is wise.....and silly.  I have learned alot from the little green dude.                Praying as tomorrow begins a new week, that it is full of change. Positiveness. I really need that right now :-) Looking forward to a day of worship with family and friends. We have so many that are moving on and leaving our church family....as sad as I want to be in their decisions....I'm happy God is relocating them all to be closer to family.

Be a blessing....not toxic.

                                        


What A wild ride its been this week. In a strange way loops and twists keep us striving to be straight. Keep us leaning on God for instruction. Builds our courage and faith just alittle more. Overall I am thankful for the ride I have been on, It could be alot worse.

With everything thats been going on this week, I have had alot more interaction with my friends. Friends texting me, calling me, emailing, Facebooking....and it makes me so thankful for each and everyone of them. Most of my friends share the same faith i do. We all attend worship together, and see each other on a weekly basis. I have another handful of moms I know thru my sons schools. These moms are also Christian, but attend elsewhere. Sometimes I think they share their faith easier than I do. It puts me to shame. When someone I know needs prayers, I will add them to our prayer list, and we pray for them that evening. Yesterday a school mom called me, because she had heard how my week was going, and Prayed over the phone with me. I will be honest, I was quite takin back. What courage that was on her part. It was a really neat experience, and makes me appriciate our friendship more than ever. Not only did she say she would, SHE DID! I need to learn to share my faith like that. I promise not to pray everytime someone calls me LOL, but if someone is really hurting I need to learn to step up and be bold like that.

Then theres a group of friends who attend no church. They have a small faith, but dont really belong. Now some might call them "worldly", but I dont like to use that term with them. One of my closest and longest friends, is not a christian. She is a good person. A good example. We have a ton in common and get along well. She encourages me, as i encourage and support her. I believe God blessed me with her 13 years ago.

I am reminded by the friends Jesus had that the Bible mentions...Lazarus, Mary, Martha...Peter.  He leaned on them when he was sad, hurting. When He rejoiced, they were there. He went to their home and ate with them.
God knew what He was doing when He installed these special people in our lives. Unfortunately I believe He has another "toxic" group enter our lives also to see if we are strong enough to stand up to them, and be the example.

Toxic. I have had too many from this category. Over the past 6 years, I have become pretty good at removing them. About 2 weeks ago, one of these people contacted me thru facebook. I havent talked to her or seen her in almost 5 years. She messed her own life up by sin, and instead of being honest when confronted. Tried to drag me under the bus with her, and I had done nothing. I wasnt really even sure what she had done. But because of fear of her husband, and Satan helping with the lies....things got outta control. Sadly we went from being super close to not speaking at all. I did message her back on facebook, caught up alittle on life, without giving too much detail. But I wouldnt accept her friend request or her offer to meet for lunch. Because from our msgs I sensed her life hadnt improved. She hadnt changed. Was still blaming others for her decisions. I dont need that in my life.
The Bible says to "strive to be an imitator of Christ." Christ was perfect. We should be striving for Perfection. ITs hard to meet that goal when you allow a decoy from Satan, a toxic person, to enter the scene.

On a side note.....Its funny how relaxing it is to share all on here.  I enjoy this digital journal experience. Someone the other day was like "i logged on and read what you rambled about. It was lengthy". My response..."then quit reading it!" LOL. I am doing this as a healing thing for me, not to please everyone out there. If you enjoy reading and following me, then I appriciate you! Have a great week, I intend too!!!

                                   

just feel trapped....

Todays post is playing out in my head. Its gonna be different from what I have written, its whats heavy on my heart right now. I tell you that because, Its 5:40am. I have been awake since 4am. Now to some of you, this is the norm. For me?? Far from it. To say I "like my sleep" would be an understatment. I LOVE my sleep. I can easily sleep 12+ hours a night. But I am awake. My hubby left at 4am to head to Sacramento for business, and because my brain wont turn off,  I am awake. This wont be good later today.  Today I have plans. Today I turn 34, even tho I am more like an 84 year old, just feel trapped.

 Lately I havent felt up to par, healthwise. Later this morning I have a drs appt to discuss what is going on. If I havent mentioned it, I am sick. No, I have been blessed to not have cancer, or anything else like that.....however my dr keeps trying to get it in my head How sick I am. I have a chronic, no cure autoimmune disorder, Lupus. That will not go into a "resting" phase (remission). It appears to be constantly getting worse. When I was diagnosed three years ago, I was just relieved to know what was wrong with me. The aching, and fevers, and constant fatigue was horrible. But here I sit 3 years later, many specialists, alittle heavier, and handful of pills later, and nothing has changed. I will be honest. Its depressing.

And to be honest, I dont know what is more depressing.....being sick. or having others doubt me that I am. I get told ALL the time, even by my dr, that I dont look or act  sick. If you walked by and saw me, youd never know how i was feeling. You wouldnt know my arms hurt extremely, they feel like 1000 lbs each. My legs are always swollen, and I have a terrible headache Everyday. I have actually had a dr tell me, it was all in my head because I looked fine. I have had so called friends tell me that too. That hurts more than how I feel. For those of you that dont know much about lupus, let me educate you briefly....

Systemic lupus erythematosus  often abbreviated to SLE or lupus, is a systemic autoimmune disease (or autoimmune connective tissue disease) that can affect any part of the body. As occurs in other autoimmune diseases, the immune system attacks the body's cells and tissue, resulting in inflammation and tissue damage.^[1] It is a Type III hypersensitivity reaction caused by antibody-immune complex formation.
SLE most often harms the heart, joints, skin, lungs, blood vessels, liver, kidneys, and nervous system. The course of the disease is unpredictable, with periods of illness (called flares) alternating with remissions. The disease occurs nine times more often in women than in men, especially in women in child-bearing years ages 15 to 35, and is also more common in those of non-European descent.^[2][3][4]
SLE is treatable using immunosuppression, mainly with cyclophosphamide, corticosteroids and other immunosuppressants; there is currently no cure. SLE can be fatal, although with recent medical advances, fatalities are becoming increasingly rare.
SLE is one of several diseases known as "the great imitators" because it often mimics or is mistaken for other illnesses.^[6] SLE is a classical item in differential diagnosis,^[2] because SLE symptoms vary widely and come and go unpredictably. Diagnosis can thus be elusive, with some people suffering unexplained symptoms of untreated SLE for years. (from wikipedia).

Now please donot misunderstand me. I am not writing (venting) on this today seeking sympathy. But perhaps trying to help you understand what my life is like. What life is like for my boys and husband. Yes I may not appear sick. I may seem fine, and laugh, and continue living like things are hunky dorie. About 90% of the time, I regret not "saying no" to things, over doing activites. I work very very part time. Like two hours a day. Some days thats 2 hours too many for me. I am currently working on a plan that would allow me to own my own business. Set my own hours according to how I am feeling. Most employers frown upon you needing to take days off for rest. LOL.

I am hoping with todays Dr visit, that a "game" plan can be set up. I am tired of taking 20+pills aweek. I am tired of feeling icky. I am tired of not sleeping because of "restless arm syndrome", I am tired of leg cramps, and feeling like I have pnemonia when I breathe. Praying today will be a great day.

I love reading my Bible when I feel like this. I can usually find something to make me feel comforted, when no one else seems to know what to say. God ALWAYS knows what to say :)

"And be not grieved and depressed, for the joy of the Lord is your strength and stronghold." neh.8:10

"God is our refuge and strength, and very present help in time of need." Psalm 46:1

                                                           

As today begins, look to Him for your strength and comfort. He is the only one who can truly give you peace. I have a faith that God will allow me to use my being sick for the good. To encourage others around me. And help those who may feel the way I do.
Sorry today wasnt a perky cheerful post, but I feel better.....Have an amazing mid August week, look to the future, I believe a cool down is coming. Soon!

need an answer now...

I lead a Very exciting life.  Well, theres a never a dull moment.  Thats for sure. I have 3 boys. Energetic, Crazy, Intelligent Sons.

This is their last week of summer vacation. They have homework packets they should be doing, and they are very s....l...o....w....l.....y! I try not to constantly ask (nag) them how its coming, that seems to make them mad. But the past 2 days, I havent seen them working on them.

SO. I casually asked Matt, "finish that book?" "YES MOM!" he snapped.
I go ask Brad, "hows that Math packet coming along?" "its coming"....he says glued to a book.
What kind of answers are those? What am I to take from that? I said nothing, and walked away.
To my surprise, they both brought me almost completed packets last night, what a good feeling I can trust that when I tell them to do something, they eventually comply. Just on their timeline.

I guess you can say, we are like that with God sometimes. We ask Him for things, prayers to be answered, etc....and when it doesnt appear to be happening. We get frusterated with Him, or go as far as doubting He is listening.

I think when we read "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and ye shall find" we expect immediate results. I know I do sometimes. Its like "God I prayed. I asked. I thanked you for what I have. I go to church, do good things. Now Answer me!!!" Thats not how God works unfortunately. Imagine if we all got everything we wanted. (remember the movie Bruce Almighty?) Have you ever witnessed a "brat of a child" in the grocery store or Target pitching a fit for something? Sadly I have had a child do this one, or twice....is that how we appear to God? Constantly asking for more when we have been given so much. My family doesnt always have spending money to eat out, we dont do high class vacations....but we are blessed with so much. Are we content? Or still nagging for more?? Just something to think about today.

I want to thank everyone who has popped by and scoped my blog out. I have almost 90 views in the past 2 weeks. And all I do is ramble what I am thinking. LOL. I am either way entertaining. Or ya'll are bored :) Thanks for supporting me in your silent way!!

                                                           

Put a Smile on your face!

A new post a new monday. I dont know about you but our weekends are packed. My family is sometimes SO chaotic its amazing we find time to sleep and eat. This past week I began a new business venture... Well sorta. I am a very decluttered person. Perhaps alittle OCD at times. I believe if you have something it should have a "home"...a place to where it belongs. And that everything has a purpose. If its not serving its purpose....toss it. With that said, I helped my mom....who is opposite from me, relocate her sewing/craft room to a different room in her house. It was fun. Cleaning out, measuring furniture, moving and moving again....putting things into their home.....I dont know, but I love it! Mom did very well. Was proud of the garbage bag and thrift store bag she created. I took pictures to create a portfolio. i think that would be a dream job :)

As I was sipping my coffee this morning, pondering my thoughts to share....I thought of the verse in Philippians. First I love the book of Philippians. Theres so many "tell it like it is and should be" verses.
"Do everything without complaining or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation"(phil.2:14) Wow.
It says to do everything...basically with a smile on your face and your mouth shut :) Funny. I can quote this to my three sons for every situation...but when it comes to me....yeah not so much. I thought of this verse specifically because even tho i love cleaning out i dont always do my chores with a smile and happy spirit. When the sinks full of dishes....yeah i complain that "someone didnt rinse their plate".....laundry...."who didnt empty their pockets?" Yard work...."its hot, we should hire someone"....or watching Olympics on our antenna TV "Ugh its skipping again, I want cable!"

The list could continue. I am sure for all of us, even the perkiest PollyAnnas in the world, theres something to cause an attitude. So thats my midyear resolution. A resolution to carry out the rest of my life....To Do Everything Complain and Argumentive FREE!! Imagine if we all had that mindset? All our children lived out that command? What a much better place the world would be, how pleasant folks would be, and a better life all the way around.

I hope your week of chores, and work and chaos is a great one! I pray we learn to change our moods, and be content with our "jobs". Till next time, HAVE AN AWESOME WEEK!!!